the HALLOWEEN MOVIES ranked, pt. 2: See Anything You Like?

   

7. Halloween II

  Rick Rosenthal manages to swipe the atmosphere of the original and somehow get away with it, albeit it's still obvious that it's on loan. It's as goofy as it is woozy and I used to think that made it boring but now it just effectively puts me in Laurie's headspace as they mine some great tension from her shambling. It's also a nasty, mean little sequel with--at this point in the franchise--uncharacteristically harsh violence. We also have The Shape in a filthy mask and Michael slashing away with bleeding eyes is great imagery. But the characters? The dialog? The contrived brother/sister twist? The lame Samhain lore? The way Rosenthal kicks the whole movie off by woefully undermining the ending of the original? Blegh. There is some unintentional foreshadowing to Looney Loomis with him rushing poor Ben Tramer to his death - makes me laugh every time. It's better than H20 by virtue of its atmosphere and tension but I don't find myself questioning why Carpenter has disowned it as an "abomination." I don't agree but I won't argue, either.

6. 2007

  This is almost tied with Halloween II but eeks out on top because Rob Zombie offers better direction than Rick Rosenthal and better characters and dialog than drunk John Carpenter (and most of the other writers of these movies). I appreciate how different his... everything is, even with all the armchair psychology. Well, it's different until it isn't. I like that he took time to humanize Micheal and then strip that humanity away. That said, the prequel section is far more compelling than the Remake section but what holds all of that afloat is his attention to character. Laurie is instantly charming but not in a way that stinks of desperation with quippy one-liners; she's outgoing and playful without being overtly repressed. I'm not a fan of Annie and Linda in the '78 original but here they're played and written with far more interiority; even Lindsay Wallace's Mom is given a sliver of character when Annie refers to her as a "lush who's gonna be out all night getting hammered." The Strodes are so wholesome, riding the line of being cutesy but never dipping into saccharine. The same goes for Tommy and Lindsay, their interactions with Annie and Laurie border on flat-out naturalism. But, yeah, that portion where it's a beat-for-beat remake just does. not. work. So, everything original shines while the mimicry couldn't be more obvious. This was never the movie he was meant to make, it was a Weinstein movie that he managed to give more to than it deserved. What he does next is truly his.

5. 2018

  This is a perfectly fine movie though it has its strengths and it has its weaknesses (mostly strengths). There are some baffling choices by David Gordon Green but some are so hilarious that they add to it (Sartain dramatically tossing Michael's mask in the backseat of Hawkins' cruiser) while others are so dumb that they subtract from it (Allison finding her Grandmother's mannequins in the woods, complete with zooms, push-ins, ghostly whispers and creepy laughter[?]). I like the character banter, I love Laurie's public meltdown at dinner, I like Michael killing like a machine, and I love that DGG turned a lot of 'nostalgic' imagery on its head by having Laurie and Michael switch places. And, as much as Sartain is just a plot-device to bring Michael and Laurie together, I still like him as a character; not only does he evoke my favorite Kooky Doctor, ala Part 5, but his 'turn' makes more sense after Ends. This might be the most entertaining, satisfying entry in the franchise with how crowdpleasing the climax is. It's fun and not in an ironic way, for once.

4. Halloween

  The original used to be my all-time favorite Horror Movie and then my all-time favorite Slasher and then my all-time favorite Halloween movie but, over the decades, it's wilted for me in every one of those categories. I can't stand Nancy Kyes' acting nor the dialog between her, Laurie, and Linda. It's not just garden-variety bad dialog, it's bad characterization that makes the pacing kind of a slog, with exception to the time we cut to Loomis and Brackett. The last act--while tense--is a bit tedious, too, with Laurie having multiple scenes with Michael where the repetition just annoys more than scares. But it's still effectively chilly, atmospheric, suspenseful, and creepy in spite of all of its glaring flaws. Carpenter, Cundey, Pleasance, Castle, Curtis, and Wallace made magic amidst all the filler. And that ending: one of the best endings to any movie ever, no matter the category.

3. Season Of The Witch

  My favorite part of Halloween III is Dr. Daniel Challis: a terminally boozy, slutty amateur detective devoid of charm or charisma that isn't slick. He's like if your Dad decided he wanted to be like James Bond. This dude would rather do anything than spend time with his kids or see his ex-Wife so he flings himself headfirst into a murder mystery (with the explicit desire to fuck his dead patient's daughter).

This isn't a cosmic horror movie, it's a coming-of-middle age comedy akin to The Weather Man or American Beauty - it just so happens to be about child-killing Irish doomsday cultists. Everyone talks about how bleak the ending is and why (for good reason, because it's apocalyptic and cruel) but it's kind of funny, too, in its irony: Challis ignores his kids to investigate this murder and ends up fruitless in his effort to stop the mass genocide of children. If he'd never gone and investigated this in the first place, he probably could have saved his children's lives or, at the very least, spent the smallest amount of time with them before they perished. Everything to do with this case reminds him of his kids and he hates it. It's not a coincidence that the most horrific scene in the movie is him being forced to watch a whole domestic family (Mother, Father, Child) be killed in a simulation of a living room. And at the end he has to kill the woman he's been fucking who's now just a robot serving limited functions. There's also that great scene where he and Ellie sneak by the scientists by walking a cart beside them: a Scooby-Doo maneuver in a scene of tension; All these years this movie never totally worked for me because I was looking for scares. Watching it now, laughing my ass off, it makes for one Hell of a dark comedy.

2. Ends

  I always wondered why David Gordon Green and his writers had Corey kinda break the 4th Wall in that shot with Jeremy's parents to say "It's Halloween...we're gonna have a good time tonight." I get it now: in these movies anytime someone says "it's Halloween--" it's usually followed up with "--everyone's entitled to one good scare," so it's almost like Green is telling us to curb expectations. And I'm not pinning a medal on it simply for doing something different, because I genuinely love this movie for many reasons, but a big part of its appeal is how fresh it feels. If Halloween Kills was messy and destructive, then this was a thoughtful rebuild; a somber character study of Michael Myers' protege? That's cool as fuck and they nail the landing. The title, 'HALLOWEEN ENDS,' has already been rendered futile by Miramax announcing another reboot [less than a year after this movie's release] but it's still a satisfying conclusion for me, one that raised the bar significantly.

1. H2 (Director's Cut)

  In 2009, before we got a decade+ of artsy horror movies about Trauma, Rob Zombie gave us the best one with his cut of Halloween II. It's the most immersive, textured, effusive, gruelling, brutal, and intoxicating entry in the franchise - featuring a hulking, "pants-shittingly scary" Michael Myers and Laurie Strode at her most Laura Palmer (it's no wonder the cult of fans who adore this movie call it Halloween: Fire Walk With Me).

What happens to a Final Girl after she survives-the-night? Instead of the stale stalk-and-slash that this franchise is known for, Zombie opts for a spiraling nightmare odyssey of PTSD. Scout Taylor-Compton's performance is harrowing and miserable, diving headfirst into waters Jamie Lee Curtis' Lauries only waded waist-deep. It's also an absolute banquet of visual sustenance with richly tactile grime, splashes of color, and harsh spotlights with piercing rays - all shot on film. What I love most about Rob Zombie's whole approach to horror is how he understands pain, both physical and emotional. When characters get hurt in his movies: they hurt. He lingers on pain and dying not in a sadistic way but because his characters are all absolutely real to him, so he treats their pain as such; Annie's death is agonizing because of how shocking it feels, how obscured it is, and because of Brad Dourif's Oscar-worthy reaction to it. Because of every bit of this and more, I fucking adore this movie, even if it's a hard watch to sit through - which is why I only watch it once a year.

Keeping things under wraps

Nobody's ever gotten it right. 

In the 90's, we were getting to see the Universal Monsters reimagined with big name directors at the helm. Francis Ford Coppola did Bram Stoker's Dracula. Kenneth Branagh did Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Mike Nichols did Wolf. Stephen Sommers did The Mummy. Carpenter would take on The Invisible Man in 1991 and Verhoeven would make Hollow Man in 2000. The Creature was glaringly absent. 

Dracula has had a rich history over the decades. We've seen them as traveling nomads, eternal beings who contemplate their immortality and glittering high school students. Hammer, Jean Rollin, Jess Franco, Francis Ford Coppola, Katherine Bigelow, George Romero, Tony Scott, Jim Jarmusch have all took a crack at it. Many brushes have been used to paint many mythologies. The vampire mythos is still being bled dry and sees no signs of stopping. 

Frankenstein's monster is a story that could be interpreted as a fairytale. Tim Burton did so in 1990 with Edward Scissorhands when he married it with suburban Americana. Mel Brooks took the comedy route and created another winning concoction of the story. Proving how malleable Mary Shelley's text can be when it comes to genre. 

Then we have The Wolf Man. Werewolves have been used as a metaphor for female puberty in Ginger Snaps. Neil Marshall used the action genre and funnels in werewolves with Dog Soldiers. Angela Carter's gothic fairytale take on the wolves in her classic 1979 work The Bloody Chamber was adapted by Neil Jordan when he made The Company of Wolves. 

All three of these creatures have a diverse mythology which allows them to become a part of multiple genres and subgenres. We are then left with the other tier: The Invisible Man, the Mummy and the Creature From the Black Lagoon.

The original 1933 James Whale film of The Invisible Man is among the best of that whole group of classics. Certainly better than Dracula or The Wolf Man. I'm not a huge fan of The Creature. The original is good but it didn't want me to see more iterations of it. The mythology is self contained within the space of one film. It's a humanoid monster that attacks people. Nothing really interesting was done with it until Guillermo Del Toro took on the story in 2017's The Shape of Water. 

This preamble allows us to finally open the sarcophagus and take a look at what this is all about: the mummy. 

If I ever made a horror film, this would be the first subject I'd tackle. The argument against a proper mummy movie would probably sound like this: It's basically a lumbering zombie with bandages wrapped around it. I blame it more and the near absence of an effective film. When it does show up, I'm left with the feeling of disappointment. 

It all began with Universal's 1932 film. Director Karl Freund employs techniques Val Lewton would use a decade later. The power of suggestion through sound and shadow. During the time of pre code horror, directors often used the influence of German expressionism on their films. Karl Freund was a direct link to this influence, having worked as a cameraman on Friz Lang's Metropolis and FW Murnaus's The Last Laugh. There is a creepy, effective sequence in which we watch the mummy coming to life and moving his hand as a character is reading Egyptian text. Summoning it from it's eternal sleep. The Jack Pierce makeup effects called for Boris Karloff to be wrapped up in bandages. His skin resilience from this film alone had to have been tremendous. The entire movie hinges on these effects and Karloff. The love story over centuries of time narrative doesn't do much for me and was done so much better by Coppola in his take on Dracula. 

Hammer Studios gave it a shot in 1959. Paul Naschy wrestled it to the ground in The Mummy's Revenge. At the tail end of the 90's we were given The Mummy. Or as I like to call it Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Mummy's Tomb. There are certain aspects of it I enjoy. The scarabs that burrow underneath the skin for one. Brendan Fraser's comedic timing for another. When I saw it in the theater in 1999 I left underwhelmed. I had seen an enjoyable adventure movie. But it used the material of what could be an effective horror movie as a vehicle.  

Future sequels would be made. None of which grabbed my attention. By the time 2017 rolled around, Universal dusted off the rights and made an updated installment. This time with Tom Cruise. Yet again, it was an action adventure movie. Expecting Universal to do something unique with this property was naive at this point. 

No, the places I would find the closest representation of the bandaged cadaver were scarce but gave me hope that something could be done. There are three examples I have come across.

The opening of Nosferatu the Vampyre is exactly the type of mood this hypothetical mummy movie calls for. I'd say it's in contention for creepiest opening to any horror movie. The Popol Vuh score overlaying mummies frozen in a state of shock all the while we hear a sound of a slow, flapping wing. The rhythm imitating that of a heartbeat.  

In the fifth season of Tales From the Crypt, Creep Course. Some of the more disturbing elements of Egyptian mythology are used. A tool used to pull the brain out from the nose. Another being a drink that liquifies the insides and has them ooze out of your anus and mouth. Both methods sick and twisted. Both sign posts pointing me to a giant sign saying "How the hell are you horror directors missing the potential here?" 

Finally, we have my favorite story from Tales From the Darkside: The Movie. Lot 249. The closest anyone has come. It brings the mummy out into the modern world. Only what is built around it isn't as hokey as some of the other 'modern takes'.

Outside of film, the death metal band Nile has offered plenty of inspiration through the Egyptology themed lyrics and instrumentation. Lead singer Karl Sanders' being a huge nerd for this and Lovecraft helps a great amount. Albums like In Their Darkened Shrins, Annihilation of the Wicked and Ithyphallic remain in heavy rotation for inspiration. A dream mummy project would probably involve Karl Sanders scoring it.

These are mere pieces of a puzzle with the rest of them missing. When I sit down and watch a horror movie with potential to be great and the movie doesn't utilize said potential, the first thing I say to myself is "well here's what I would've done." With The Mummy, maybe I'll just go full bore and write my own script or book. 

A SpookShow guide

The Exorcist: Believer was released a few days ago to a giant wet fart of a reception. Instead of wading through the excrement of recently released horror flicks, I decided to look back 50 years to when my favorite horror film, The Exorcist, was released. There's enough to do a top 20 on horror alone from this year. As such, I've been focusing on 60s and 70s with some darts thrown at the the 80s and 90s. 

Having been asked what I'm watching this season, I compiled a watchlist of movies I've never seen. It's the same watchlist I went to last year but with a bunch of titles added.  

Classic

The Golem (1920)

A Page of Madness (1926)

The Unknown (1927)

Isle of the Dead (1943)

The Ghost of Yatsuya (1959)

Blood and Roses (1960)

Mr. Sardonicus (1961)

Dementia 13 (1963)

The Haunted Palace (1963)

The Man With X Ray Eyes (1963)

The Raven (1963)

Castle of Blood (1964)

Color Me Blood Red (1965)

Planet of the Vampires (1965)

This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse (1967)

Goke, Body Snatcher From Hell (1968)

The Snake Girl and the Silver-Haired Witch (1968)

Whistle and I'll Come to You (1968)

Blind Beast (1969)

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969)

70s

Bacchanale (1970)

Bloodthirsty Butchers (1970)

The Body Beneath (1970)

Cry of the Banshee (1970)

Equinox (1970)

The Nude Vampire (1970)

The Vampire Doll (1970)

The Brotherhood of Satan (1971)

The Devil's Nightmare (1971)

Hands of the Ripper (1971)

The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave (1971)

See No Evil (1971)

The Werewolf Vs. the Vampire Woman (1971)

Murder Mansion (1972)

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972)

Season of the Witch (1972)

Alabama's Ghost (1973)

Bell From Hell (1973)

Blood Ceremony aka The Legend of Blood Castle (1973)

Candle For the Devil (1973)

A Cold Night's Death (1973)

Count Dracula's Great Love (1973)

The Crazies (1973)

Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973)

Night of Fear (1973)

Scream Blacula Scream (1973)

Wicked, Wicked (1973)

Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll (1974)

Evil of Dracula (1974)

Flavia the Heretic (1974)

Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell (1974)

Bug (1975)

Eyeball (1975)

Lips of Blood (1975)

The Possessed (1975)

Psychic Killer (1975)

Wolf Guy (1975)

Beatriz (1976)

J.D.'s Revenge (1976)

Through the Looking Glass (1976)

Curse (1977)

The Haunting of Julia (1977)

Prey (1977)

It Lives Again (1978)

The Butterfly Murders (1979)

The Devil Incarnate (1979)

Savage Weekend (1979)

80s

The Hearse (1980)

The Night of the Hunted (1980)

We're Going to Eat You (1980)

Without Warning (1980)

The Appointment (1981)

Bewitched (1981)

Don't Go In the Woods (1981)

Frightmare (1981)

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Miss Osbourne (1981)

Venom (1981)

Wolfen (1981)

The Black Room (1982)

Hell Has No Boundary (1982)

Mansion of the Living Dead (1982)

Secta Siniestra (1982)

The Slayer (1982)

Superstition (1982)

Devil Fetus (1983)

The Devonsville Terror (1983)

Mortuary (1983)

A Night to Dismember (1983)

Red Spell Spells Red (1983)

Night Has A Thousand Desires (1984)

Evils of the Night (1985)

Horror House On Highway 5 (1985)

Abracadabra (1986)

Body Count (1986)

Breeders (1986)

Crawlspace (1986)

Devil Story (1986)

Evil Laugh (1986)

Gothic (1986)

Link (1986)

Trick Or Treat (1986)

Blood Diner (1987)

It's Alive III: Island of the Alive (1987)

Killing Spree (1987)

The Kindred (1987)

A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

Blood Delirium (1988)

Celluloid Nightmares (1988)

Door (1988)

Lady In White (1988)

Paperhouse (1988)

Spider Labyrinth (1988)

The Undertaker (1988)

Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989)

90s

Alienator (1990)

Lisa (1990)

Pale Blood (1990)

The Boneyard (1991)

Highway to Hell (1991)

Darkness (1993)

Doppleganger (1993)

Jack Be Nimble (1993)

Necronomicon (1993)

Run and Kill (1993)

Angel Dust (1994)

Creatures From the Abyss (1994)

Red to Kill (1994)

Habit (1995)

Haunted School (1995)

Night of the Scarecrow (1995)

Splatter Naked Blood (1996)

Thesis (1996)

Thinner (1996)

Office Killer (1997)

Bio Zombie (1998)

Memento Mori (1999)

Stir of Echoes (1999)

00s

Dagon (2001)

Sleepless (2001)

Haze (2005)

The Burrowers (2008)

10s

Kotoko (2011)

The American Scream (2012)

Fish and Cat (2013)

As Above, So Below (2014)

Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

Dachra (2018)

Luz (2018)

20s

The Last Matinee (2020)

Dark Glasses (2022)

Deadstream (2022)

Skinamarink (2022)

V/H/S/85 (2023)

the HALLOWEEN MOVIES ranked, pt. 1: Dangertainment

#13. Curse

  Along the broad spectrum of Halloween Franchise variety, Part 6 is tasteless cardboard that's devoid of nutrients. It's tension-free, suspense-free, character-free, gluten-free, low sodium, no carb, low fat, no fun, no sugar, processed Michael Myers food product. The score, the jumpscares, the editing, dialog, ugh...it's all so obnoxious and annoying. Donald Pleasance's presence is the only thing I like. That's how bad it is: Loomis just existing on screen is a comfort. He shows up to walk around what is essentially a Spirit Halloween store with the most cunty staff imaginable. Everyone in it is either paper-thin and forgettable or deeply unlikable - none of them remotely compelling (our Final Girl is WOMAN. Her son is CHILD).

  Paul Rudd is always welcome but he's just bad here - not funny-bad, either. Having Tommy Doyle be a shifty little creep is good on paper but turning him into an exposition machine for celtic mythology is fucking YAWN. There have been some awful origin stories/explanations for horror movie villains (like Leatherface's dumb skin disease in TCM '03) but Cult Of Thorn is quite the abortion of mystique.

  I hate this movie.

#12. Resurrection

  You know it's bad, I know it's bad, I don't need to unpack why for the 297463rd time. So I'm gonna use this slot to defend one major component that gets too much shit: Busta Rhymes' Freddie, with all his one-liners and goofy martial arts, is the only person doing anything remotely fun here.

   Seriously, take him out and you still have an awful movie, which means it can't all be on him (the opening is easily the worst part and Freddie hasn't even clocked in yet). I'd even argue that if you take him out, you'd have a much worse movie (final girl is nobody, 'contestants' are despicable, and Decker is beyond lame). And, c'mon, Freddie having a one-sided argument with Michael, while he's dressed as Michael, is a genuinely funny bit; it's the Spider-Man pointing meme but with Micheal Myerses. I don't ever watch this movie, because I hate it, but I revisited it for this ranking and I lit up every time he was on screen; his description of Michael as "a killer shark in baggy-ass overalls" is poetry.

   As a character in a movie full of god-awful characters, he's the best of the worst.

  "Trick or treat, muthafucka!"

#11. Revenge

  The only reason Part 5 is above Resurrection and Part 6 is because of Dr. Sam "Loonie" Loomis. He is so hilariously unhinged and I love it (I also seriously respect Pleasance for committing to the bit for a fourth time; what a camp champ). ...but it's not all fun.

  There's also Tina, her friends, those circus clown cops, one of big Mike's worst masks, and deficient filmmaking weighing it down. What it severely lacks in atmosphere, scares, good writing, competent editing, performances, sensible direction, or any spookiness whatsoever, is kinda made up for with Loomis' antics. Him knocking kids' masks off, playing "catch" with Jamie as the ball, holding cops at gunpoint, and of course, "Cookie Woman" (which has stuck with me for decades), is all candy to me.

  For most people they love The Room or Troll 2 but Halloween 5 has always been my go-to So Bad It's Good movie. Donald Pleasance hobbled in Halloween 5 so Nic Cage could run in Wicker Man. I enjoy this movie too much to put it any lower.

#10. Return

  Part 4 has its moments and the good ones are carried by some pretty effective atmosphere (but we're still far from Carpenter and Cundey 😢). The absolute best part is right up top: this movie has my favorite opening credits sequence in the franchise. There's no typical Halloween Theme, either. All it is is just a skittering, chilly, gusty ambient drone over the most autumnal October imagery this side of Trick 'r Treat and Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow. I'll throw it on every October but only for the novelty of that picturesque opening and the overall Spooky Szn mood that reverberates from it. It's more of a moving October advent calendar than a movie to me.

  And I'm focusing on all of this because everything else is flatlined: Jamie, Rachel, Grady, Meeker, his Daughter - they're nothing characters with the most benign YA novel dialog. Loomis' scenes are kinda nice, he hasn't completely lost it yet. I like him having a swig and a smile with that kooky priest, it's one of the few times in this franchise where we get to see straight-laced joy on the man's face. I don't know, I don't feel strongly either way. It's north of awful but south of good. It's not funny-bad like 5 nor as offensive as 6 because, after everyone rejected Part III, they played it safe and pandered.

  Some feelings I can muster up: I don't like Myers' mask in this one, it looks goofy, they should have kept the bandaged-up look from the gas station sequence, it's the only time he's remotely creepy. I don't like how the actor plays him, either, he's wooden as fuck. The ending would be cool if 5 didn't squander it. The lynchmob murder of Ted Hollister is amusing but nowhere near as funny as Ben Tramer's death in Part II.

  That's all I got.

#9. Kills

  Whereas Part 6 was pathologically thin, KILLS is carelessly gluttonous. It's just a delicious, disgusting, unhealthy, intoxicating, nauseating, annoying, hilarious fucking mess. Anytime I watch it I come away feeling so dizzy and tired, just like I do after I leave a buffet. It wins out over 4 simply because there are pockets where great side characters are given some sincerely memorable, funny banter and then die in some of the coldest ways across every timeline in this convoluted franchise.

   Seriously, I'd watch a whole Altman-esque hangout movie featuring all the victims in Michael's path (it makes me want to do a whole post ranking the side characters of the DGG Trilogy). I always get invested in the lives of Sondra and her husband, Big John & Little John, and the shitty kids in the Silver Shamrock masks. They're given charming and relatable little details, like the way Sondra's husband gripes about her Mom smoking in his sleep apnea mask, it imbues them with so much interiority and history.

  And the same applies to all the other characters who aren't in the Evil Dies Tonight lynchmob (any complaints I have about that shit has already been said ad nauseum so I'm not gonna bore you; none of it works). Get rid of all the mob violence and shit, get rid of Laurie and Hawkins' sedating monologues, just let us luxuriate with the characters who stayed home...until Michael brutally takes them from us. Cameron's death is downright barbaric and Sondra's husband's death, as she watches helplessly, is unnecessarily tragic and cruelly prolonged. The firefighter sequence, on the other hand, is so fucking fun - The Shape has never been cooler.

  I love the way it's shot, too, with that great POV of Michael stabbing through the gas mask. Another great POV shot is employed later, in one of the franchise's worst sequences (Tarvoli's death) - I despise the writing of that scene but it's so visually exciting, which describes a lot of this movie. Michael slaughtering the mob looks great but Laurie's speculative voiceover about evil, or whatever, just dampens it. Not all of Green's choices pay off, though: there are some nonsensical zooms and that neck-snapping whip-pan to Allyson shouting "WHAT?!" almost reaches Part 5 levels of camp. The sequence where Marion Chambers and the Doctor/Nurse couple die does bring us to full-on camp. But the sequence with Lindsay is legitimately tense? Carpenter's score is fucking amazing, though, but nothing in this movie ever earns it. And the worst sin of the movie is that, aside from Laurie coming to the realization that Michael is mostly indifferent to her (that remains unexplored), our main characters are lateral and redundant. They walk and talk in circles, saying the same shit over and over.

  This movie has everything, for better and worse.

  Mostly worse.

#8. H2O

  H20 came on the heels of Part 6 and was followed by Resurrection, so it's wedged between the series' worst movies. It has the best act to follow and after easily dropping the mic, the next act to pick it up fucking bombs. It's also refreshing, for this list, to have a movie so uncomplicated on the tail of KILLS. It has occasional atmosphere (not enough) because the photography is kinda flat and the score is equally inconsistent; the opening theme is interpolated with an orchestra and it's surprisingly effective. But...sometimes it's downright shrill and derivative? There are patches where they recycle tracks from Scream and it undercuts the tension.

  I like Laurie's new look and life, she's living with PTSD (even though Halloween [2018] does it better) but seems well-adjusted outside of the holiday. Curtis is typically great and the rest of the cast is good to fine (Hartnett, LL Cool J, and Arkin bring more to their characters than what they were given [I hope Ronnie's novel gets published]). The horny teens aren't annoying enough nor charming enough for me to be affected by their deaths one way or another; they die, that's it (the light-bulb decoration kill is neat). The scariest but in the movie is where just the threat of violence is suggested: the rest-stop bathroom scene, with the Mom and her daughter, is very effective. Unfortunately, it happens very early on and I never get close to that feeling again. It's a pretty middling slasher until the ending; the ending is the best! Laurie pulls a Loomis! She takes a cop's gun, orders a paramedic to load Michael's body in the van, drives said van into Michael (after launching him out the windshield) and they both topple off a hillside.

  Finally, she decapitates him with an ax and it's extremely satisfying (fuck the retcon: that's Michael's noggin. Her huge sigh of relief will not be undercut). It's a serviceable movie besides HOLY SHIT THAT CGI MASK WHAT THE FUCK!?

Dr. Satan's Lair

My introduction to Mr. Zombie came through Twisted Metal III. One of the coolest features of both Twisted Metal 3 & 4 wasn't just that it feature Rob's songs, but you could play them in your stereo as music CDs. I would eventually hear Dragula and Living Dead Girl along with it's music video accompaniment via MTV. You know, when they actually played music. It ticked off two boxes for me at the time: heavy metal and horror. The only other band that had that magical concoction for me was Iron Maiden. But this was...modern. And it wasn't downtuned rap rock. 

I can't recall what movie this teaser trailer was attached to. One video rental later, I was reminded of the music video for Dragula. Lots of colors. You could tell right away this was a movie made by a music video director who still hadn't quite found his style. He was a director in a funhouse of all the things that would later characterize his future efforts. Profanity laden dialogue, serial killers, a love of 70's exploitation, his wife. Above all of this though was just how funny the movie was and still is. It's a directorial debut whose opening moments of on screen dialogue consist of a story about a guy getting a Dr. Zeyus doll stuck up his ass.

The comedy would guide me through the Firefly house, through the woods and into a deep dark well of muck and grime leading to catacombs. Wherein, the director would unleash his greatest creation: Quinton Quail a.k.a. Dr. Satan. Captain Spaulding gives a backstory about him as a mad scientiest who worked in an insane asylum. High off the likes of Blair Witch and folklore, the scene tickled my fancy. 

The mechanical arms attached to his own arms and the breathing mask make this thing scary as hell. More than any Firefly. It's up there with the Chatterer cenobite as one of my favorite creature designs. His assistant, the Professor is as menacing a presence. 

The film is at it's weirdest when we get to Dr. Satan's Lair which is saying a lot. We don't see the Doctor in Rob's next film but there is a deleted scene in which he makes him presence known amongst a nurse at a hospital. Rightly so, as it's a character that belongs in House of 1000 Corpses and not Devils Rejects.