Anguish ★★★★★
Eye love this movie. Plays like Brian DePalma's New Nightmare as an almost unbearably tense metanarrative that asks what it means to be a spectator of horror (and how creepy movie theaters can be). There's no moralizing or easy answers by the end [thankfully], just a sweaty daze from the dizzying, hypnotic trip this movie inflicted on me. I can't go into much without spoilers (seriously, go in as blind as possible [no pun intended lol]) but I also don't want to reduce it all to a list of commas and adjectives. One of the great underseen masterpieces of the '80s.
Spree ★
Smug, sauceless trash until the very end where its admittedly sharp thesis reveals why this was even made in the first place, which makes it feel like a tiktok Trojan Horsed inside of a movie; everything else is a riot of misses. Joe Keery is better than this.
Watch Deadstream instead.
Carnival Of Souls ★★★★½
"I want the dead to be dead, forever, and I want to be one of them. Except, of course, you can't be one of them. You can't be one of the dead because that which has no existence has no community."
Cormac McCarthy, The Sunset Limited
Probably the most gorgeous movie in this post; every composition and lighting choice is arresting, much like having sleep paralysis. Covers an entire spectrum of discomfort: starts off like a phantom bruise, ramps up to the scratchy vibration of a tattoo gun, before becoming an unassailable sewing machine. And, in one particularly startling jumpscare, a nailgun. But aside from how unnerving it is, there's fun in parceling out how influential it was (I saw wisps of Mulholland Drive, Sixth Sense, It Follows and Final Destination all throughout). Soderbergh's Presence came to mind during the tensest stretch, where she's targeted by a predatory boarding mate across the hall. Every single exchange between the two is draining because, just like Soderbergh's movie, the ghostly hauntings are exacerbated by a real person who's capable of immediate harm...and he's not taking the hint nor blunt fucking honesty. Scored with an almost nonstop organ score which not only compliments the thick atmosphere but becomes a comfort after suffocating scenes of silence. She'll go from normal existence to somewhere between existing and not existing at the same time. No one can see or hear her and she's rendered existentially deaf. Not sure what's scarier: being alive and having no one to relate to, or being dead and having to still exist. Her dysphoric contradictions wore me down until the merciful closing credits.
The Bride Of Frankenstein ★★★★★
Oh... okay, so this is a Classic for a reason. Or, many reasons, in fact. Wow. Absolutely loved every second: Astounded by the effects, gleefully taken aback by the humor, and woefully unprepared for how profound it manages to be. I actually watched this after a rewatch of Young Frankenstein so I wasn't anticipating it to be so funny on its own. It's incredibly silly at times and that matches perfectly with its somber moments (like the praying scene). Elegant—but firm—in its tragedy, especially the effective ending where it demands that you recontextualize the title altogether. Even if this wasn't a great movie on its own, it has a hail-mary failsafe in Elsa Lanchester. She has only 3 minutes of screentime, right at the end, as The Monster's Mate but she weaved 90 years' worth of infamy out of them. It's easy to see why: every little tic, tilt, hiss, and twitch astounded me. Her saucer eyes are wild and her stare penetrating while there's also a deeply sad emptiness behind it all; truly remarkable acting and a movie to match.
In The Dark ★★★★½
I tried watching Halloween on streaming but the colors were unexpectedly muted, just out of the blue (like, there was much less blue than I remember). I checked another movie, it was fine, I checked the settings on my tv, they were fine. So I put Halloween back on and, yeah, it was washed out. Turns out the 4k restoration is what's on streaming and I found out that, in the process of making old footage 4k, it's much easier if the image is desaturated. So, I missed out on Dean Cundey's chilly blues and luscious yellows but I could see Donald Pleasance's pores! Rejoice! YouTube has even been using generative A.I. to upscale creators' media (without their knowledge) and streaming services have been 'experimenting' with it. In attempts to make images look 'better' they ended up making them absolutely fucking ugly.
People need to disabuse themselves of the notion that crispness = quality. As long as one has an understanding of cinematic grammar and prose, the overall fidelity of the image doesn't really matter. In The Dark is a testament to this; dark, sludgy shot-on-video horror that leans into its cheapness, to great effect. A sly character study lead by the immensely talented Kim Garrett as Jane, a librarian tempted into a simmer that becomes a tormented boil by the end, it reminded me of Red Rooms, but much more explicitly horror. This is her only film role but she's utterly magnificent, capturing the totality of Jane's determination toward deterioration (caving to o temptation). Shot in b&w until a deliberately jarring and perverse use of color (in found-footage) shakes its foundations, before tossing us back into b&w forever. The whole movie is filled with images and implications that will probably never leave my brain (barring dementia or a severe head injury). The lo-fi night shots are especially effective because the inky video artifacts make us see things that aren't even there. Perfectly paced and structured, this is a perpetually tightening odyssey of degradation and disempowerment. And the ending is so fucking defiantly blunt that it infuriated me but I also respect it immensely.
The Mangler ★★
Oh, no! I think I've found my way to the lower tier Tobe Hooper movies! I've been riding pretty high on the Hooper hype train, as a huge fan of TCM and The Poltergeist, but over the past few years Salem's Lot, Invaders From Mars, Eaten Alive, and The Funhouse had me in full groupie mode. The Mangler sobered me up: Robert Englund gives the same performance in every scene. He ends up feeling less like a menacing bastard and more of a sitcom boss; Roseanne could dress him down with ease. And his performance matches his role in the story as, yet again, nothing develops. Every single fucking thing about him—and in his orbit—is flat. That said, Ted Levine's performance as John Hunton is the saving grace of this movie: every time it cut back to him I would perk up. He feels like he's in a different movie altogether as he and his brother-in-law (as well as the crime scene photographer, the movie's most interesting and underdeveloped aspect) are idiosyncratic and feel like people with interiority. He's such a shaggy, sloppy dog of a detective. His brooding is unromantic, he's devoid of swagger, his charisma is weary like it's been pickled in sarcasm, and all of this is poisoned by neuroticism. But he does love and lean on his brother-in-law, which gives both of them a peculiar charm. Their investigation and the gradual sanding-down of John to accept the supernatural, is compelling in a desert of rote plotting. The scene where he releases the ghosts from the icebox on the front lawn, while spectators stare in horror, reminded me of Poltergeist; easily the best scene. But the ending is like a bad Tales From The Crypt episode. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that if Larry Cohen had taken this on, it'd be significantly better — at the very least it'd be memorably campy.
The Infernal Cauldron ★★★
I thought this was funny. When he jumped into the cauldron I laughed! Runtime: 2 minutes
Without Warning ★½
Cameron Mitchell dies after the first five minutes (if that?) so I should have seen that for the red flag it was. And said opening was pretty nuts: he's conflicted about murdering his failson just cuz he's annoying, pointing his rifle at him twice, which is fucking funny. Oh, then they're both killed by fleshy discs. From there we're stuck with softheaded characters and an inconsistent plot about a veteran battling his PTSD. The alien effects are cool and the last five minutes are pretty neat! But getting there was a drain. The humor, intended or not, is nowhere to be found. So I can't even enjoy it ironically. Feels like proto-Predator (derogatory).
The Out There Halloween Mega Tape ★★★★
The WNUF Halloween Special hits so well as a night-time watch in October, especially on Halloween, but the Mega Tape is best experienced on a Saturday morning. I first watched it about two weeks into October and I enjoyed it but it wasn't until I watched it again on the morning of November 1st that it really sprung to life. Thanks to a wise time-jump and a temperamentally new approach, this isn't a cheap attempt to recapture the magic of the first one (though it definitely does with its advertisements and PSAs). Chris LaMartina takes the same skeleton (kitschy pastiche of commercialized American Halloween nostalgia) and he does away with the faux homespun charm of the '80s and leans onto the pseudo-edgy cynicism of the '90s. He seems to know that we're anticipating another violent twist ending like WNUF had so he steers us in the other direction. With a Ricki Lake/Jerry Springer-type daytime talk show that's fueled by incredulity and scandal, we're far from the spooky atmosphere of WNUF and leaning hard into complete absurdity...which made me more suspicious.
There's nothing explicitly suggesting malice but, because of the first one being about how people snapping is far scarier than anything supernatural, there's a tension to watching people tick on The Ivy Sparks Show. But then the tape switches up with another time-jump and we're onto an alien exposé. Here the U.S. military seems to be in place of Christian extremists as our hosts edge closer and closer into breaching the base for an inside scoop. Aliens are teased but they're just like the ghosts in The Webber House: misdirection. It isn't until the ending that it becomes very obvious what LaMartina has been setting up and I felt like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football; I should have seen it coming but now I'm on my back. And the very, very end has a punchline so dark that it had me wide-eyed and hysterical. So while it's not scary like the first, it's much funnier. Bring on a third one.
Good Boy ★★★★½
In the words of Terry Bruge-Hiplo: I didn't see the ending because I was crying too much. Some have called Good Boy "manipulative" and "gimmicky" but 1) every movie is manipulative, that's kind of the director's job, it's all about how good they are at getting away with it. 2) Yeah, it's absolutely gimmicky but it's an effective gimmick that's executed well; a testament to the power of the Kuleshov Effect with an ingenious use of perspective. We have what's, on paper, a one-dimensional protagonist: he's infinitely likable and devoid of flaws. BUT...he's also incredibly vulnerable and I'd go so far as to say he's fascinating. Every single bit of danger, either obvious or implicit, triggers breath-holding tension.
His 'performance' is tricky to navigate because it's also... real. He isn't performing, technically. He's taking direction and doing trained commands but his facial expressions are not from Acting. So because those gears are really turning, it further blurs the artifice of the filmmaking. What's also interesting is how we're deprived of human expressions. We hear plenty of people talking but there are only two shots of people's faces that aren't on another screen (i.e. phone or TV). The predominant focal point is deliberately canine as we stay at low medium shots or close-ups (one extreme close-up of an eyeball features a superb jumpscare). The lighting is smart as it's only diegetic sources within the frame, which makes the lack of light in negative space more effectively eerie. As far as the character goes he almost plays a detective, following scents and digging up clues. But there's tension to this as I just wanted him to suppress that curiosity because it meant inevitable risk and harm. What's funny is I was ready to forgive (and defend) any 'dumb' decisions he made, for plot momentum, but he's got great survival skills so the tension is never cheap. It's almost like the gimmick paid off...
Spontaneous Combustion ★★★
Oh shit, I might actually be scraping the bottom of the Hooper barrel here; even when I like something it's only mild. When Brad Dourif is your lead you definitely have a leg up and he's easily the best part of this. The first act is stellar and actually startled the fuck out of me; in the same way that quicksand was a priority of resting terror to most millennial kids for some reason, so was the concept of spontaneous combustion to me. Hooper tapped into something dormant for me and the effects are transcendentally gnarly. Dourif sells the sweaty, trembling, wild-eyed fright, pain and fury, just as he did in Exorcist III the same year (wow, fucking Hell, he's the best hahaha).
Unfuckingfortunately...convoluted plotting and revelations framed as cheap twists smother what should have been an otherwise roaring tragedy. The ending brings it back around but that mid-section is a stamina void that makes the ending feel a tad too little too late. It was fine.
Fingers crossed for Lifeforce.
The Toxic Avenger ★★½
Oh, I wanted to like this more. It's ugly as sin (but not in an interesting way) and feels blatantly edited down despite its Unrated flex, so it clanks and bangs awkwardly; there's no oil in its joints! I admire its spirit as it got more than a few chuckles out of me, not to mention two very big laughs, and I've been quoting it ever since. It's also very open-hearted and charming as it's evident that Macon Blair clearly loves these characters and the gags he came up with are truly inspired. Peter Dinklage's casting is also an ingenious gamble that pays off because he has great comic timing while also being effortlessly affable; every note is hit with perfection. But...again...almost like how people feel about Toxie, I just can't stand to look at this movie with its colors and luminance blown-out by high contrast (and the cgi blood doesn't help). Kevin Bacon is also just playing every other Evil Kevin Bacon role (like last year's turn in Axel F) with the faintest hint of something weirder. The climax is a mess of tedium and there's an unneeded twist and...ugh. I want so badly to be on this movie's side because I see what it's trying to do and, if it had pulled it off, I'd be so in love with it. Especially since the original is dimwitted F-tier filth. Full Moon Features > Troma
Harvest Brood ★½
Great use of locations initial handle on atmosphere but grasp is lost. Mood too. Sound is spotty. Cop a cartoon/unbelievable documentary format that feels unnecessary especially since it's aesthetically indistinguishable. Some incredible effects work but shots too close. Shaky acting, unconvincing. Score derivative of TCM's. Predictable stalk and chase. Sorry, I figured I'd post my first draft since that's what this movie saw fit to do.
Housebound ★★★½
Just like Toxic Avenger this looks so unfortunate but, thankfully, the pacing is so clean, the performances so charming, the creepiness so effective, and the script so tight that I ended up having fun. The unfolding narrative is so satisfying and surprising, even mining some great tension here and there. But, again, these characters are so lovely I could watch a whole season of TV about their antics and bullshit. It already looks like TV, might as well lean into the structure. It could be worse, but it could also be better! I'll take the latter. Please give me the latter, fuck. Why does it have to look like dog piss??
The Corpse Bride ★★½
When the music was popping off and the animation kept step, I was entertained. Some droll humor and a few dumb puns made me chuckle. The whole thing is a one step forward, one step back dance with no huge jumps in quality. The ending is perfect, the villain is flaccid. The music is great, the animation is inconsistent. I............don't remember much else, to be very honest. The Remains Of The Day is easily the highlight.
Cure ★★★★★
The only movie in existence that I'm afraid to watch again. And I don't mean I'm scared of anything within the movie, i.e. jumpscares, scary images, eerie sounds, etc. It's bigger than that: I mean the physical act of watching it again is what scares me. Like, in the abstract, watching it is itself a ritual, like it unlocks something, ala the tape from The Ring. Cursed film the more I think and talk about it; I'm afraid it knows I'm thinking about it. Don't watch it.
Him ★★½
This is the gold standard of Facebook Meme Art. It's what your co-worker or friend from highschool urges "Says So Much About Society," a gladiator's helping of conspiracy theory slop turned feature-length film and even given the stamp of approval by Jordan Peele (which is extra funny considering the most-used song on FB Reels conspiracy theories is the creepy rendition of I Got 5 On It from the Us trailer). I was pointing out Illuminati references like Easter eggs (no flat-earth, reptilians, or skinwalkers though).
Justin Tipping strives so hard for profundity that I kind of have a puppy-dog pity for his efforts. There's an underdog charm to how messily ambitious this is as he trips over himself to say everything that's on his mind, sometimes more than twice. He's too focused on planting seeds than he is about giving a precious few the attention and care they need to bloom; Him is a garden of buds. His cast is overqualified for this script and they prove it in every scene, never underplaying anything. Marlon Wayans is even allowed to be funny, thankfully (I was worried he'd be going the route of Eddie Murphy's 'serious' era) and I unironically love his moments of just...hanging out with Tyriq Withers.
Every other review you've read is probably right, I get that not everyone has the stomach for such a barbaric slaughter of subtlety. The climax is hideous and I couldn't wait for it to end (especially since it was the kind of showdown where the only gore is the splatter of exposition). That said, it went out on a high note as the ending is absolutely wacky and I don't care about the intent: it left me with my hands up, surrending with a smile. It made me realize that this should have just been an exploitation farce from the get-go instead of getting lost in its super serious arthouse horror clout-chasing.
Cemetery Man ★★★★½
You could lie to me and say "This was actually called Pet Sematary 3 in certain regions" and I'd believe you. Has more flamboyant, artful flair in one act than most movies achieve in 90 minutes and its creative endurance never runs out. More visceral than structural, with eccentric sequences of varying tones, somehow strung together seamlessly. A covert, dual character study in disguise that sent me through nearly every emotion: I laughed, I winced, I was aroused, I laughed, I gagged, I cried, I rolled my eyes, I flung my head back in disbelief, I leaned in to feel closer, I shit myself. The ending elicited both a tilted "Huh..." and a contented "No, yeah, that makes perfect sense" for some reason. Goofy and ridiculous but never foolish or a waste of time. Hell yeah, frenzied Italian battiness.
Caveat ★★
With a set-up this eerie and clever, it's shocking how disastrous it ends up being. Quite creepy and effectively mysterious when it's just a self-contained ghost story (had me looking over my shoulder) but it's needlessly twisty and weighed down by saggy flashbacks. Convoluted for the illusion of character depth but some motivations are all over the place until it's a rat king, fatally knotted up until it mercifully dies. Distractingly overwritten and edited. Very disappointed.
Thankfully, Oddity is everything this isn't, so it's nice to see growth.
Vamp ★½
Another movie with a good set-up that squanders its potential. Starts as a fun buddy comedy that's cute enough but gets funnier as it goes along. Then Grace Jones' dance is so lip-bitingly sexy that I got light-headed (it's even better than Salma Hayek's vampire striptease and not just because we aren't subjected to Tarantino sucking her feet) but after her seduction scene...it just spins its wheels; meandering and limp with jokes that are significantly less funny and a lead that feels out of place. Even the comic timing is thrown off at the midway point and never recovers which, I guess, firs the aesthetic stasis (the pink and emerald lighting really gets old). The whole time I was watching it I was just missing better movies like From Dusk Till Dawn, Demon Knight, or Sinners. Oh and it. just. would. not. end.
2LDK ★★
So much entertainment value gets left on the table when character allegiance goes unchallenged; one is clearly sympathetic, the other is clearly unlikable and neither evolve past this dynamic. This flattens both of them and robs the duel of its tit-for-tat fun. I kinda like the cunty back-and-forth and bitchy voiceover of the first half but, again, it was never ignited by any real friction. What makes it a horror movie are little pricks of startling imagery that actually do have thematic follow-through, unlike the rest of the movie.
Even the actual violence is undercut as they're insanely durable, surviving multiple fatalities and injuries. I'm not one for 'realism,' I hate the entire conceit, but the ending is devoid of any weight when we've seen so much inconsequential violence before the fact; what's a stab to the neck when electrocution and severe head trauma mean nothing? This makes the sense of escalation feel absolutely inert. It's pretty obvious where the ending is taking us and the movie doesn't deviate from that in the slightest: a completely predictable and ineffectual punchline.
Häxan ★★★★★
Had to properly thank Luke for this recommendation. Probably the most succinctly 'sPoOky' movie of October. Some of it is so real that I felt like I shouldn't be seeing it, like I was getting an actual intrusive glimpse back in time, which is a testament to the incredible effects work and costuming. Demons are so unbelievably textured, storied, and, creepiest of all, a w a r e here. They don't look like costumes or make-up but actual living beings with bodily functions. I also love the fact that it's told in these vignettes of historical reenactments, like an anthology of anthropology; the documentary aspect kind of blew my mind, like these were almost akin to news reels about the continuum of persecution, paranoia, and denial of agency throughout history. Story by story the amount of twists and devastations build on top of one another with the absolutely thick mortar of virtuosic filmmaking. The amount of memorable images are genuinely staggering. Monumental work.
VIY ★★★½
Feels like a vignette plucked right out of Häxan with, yet again, incredible effects work and some of the most idiosyncratic ghouls and demons put into my eyes. Feels almost proto-Evil Dead or, at the very least, like it would go on to influence the hell out of Sam Raimi (particularly a kooky old hag who rides our lead like a floating horse on a revolving set). As funny as it is confounding at times; episodic to a fault as it can feel a bit like it's idling until the next set piece. Any patience amidst boredom is always rewarded with a fun[ny] sequence of religious duelling. Our lead also isn't very interesting but he's good at a pratfall, and our 'villain' is fascinating, so it kinda-sorta evens out.
Kolobos ★★
Aptly described as Big Brother meets Saw, Kolobos hinges on the worst kind of twist a movie can have while doing nothing interesting with it. Which is a shame because it was so smart up until then. There's a thoughtful use of POV shots at the start, both diegetic and non-diegetic, that lay the foundation for evoking both vulnerability and observation. So when we transition to more security camera angles, it's a logical aesthetic evolution to surveillance. I also appreciate how effectively brutal it is. It's not just gory but fucking mean, too. But, again, any good will I had toward this (and I was firmly on its side!) inevitably bites down on that cyanide capsule of a twist. That said, the moment the 'killer' finally emerged was rattling enough to make that pill easier to swallow; I'm not dying mad, but I am disappointed. Said scene is so effective because of the wretched fucking score aka sonic terrorism. I don't even know the name of the specific track because I didn't wanna hear it isolated. It sounds like something you hear when the light goes out in your eyes and you fall into the cold caverns of Hell's deepest trench. I'm not even sure I like how the killer's make-up looks but my visceral reaction to seeing him in grainy shots of strobing lights, while that sonic terrorism blasted, he was an effectively dreadful sight. The most frustrating movie I watched last month.
Wendigo ★★★★½
My first Larry Fessenden is a sad, ominous coming-of-age chiller lamenting the death of innocence (and so much more but I don't have the room to delve into it all). Both contemplative and manic, wistful and determined, anchored by some of the strongest verisimilitude I've ever seen. Propelled by smooth editing (that sometimes spazzes out into maximalism [complimentary]), Fessenden showcases tonal precision with a feature-length spectrum of emotional versatility. The efficacious interactions have such uncommonly natural dialog and equally impressive delivery that I was hooked within the first 5 minutes.
When I said it's a "lament for the death of innocence," that wasn't nebulous word-salad filler to beef up my paragraph and sound profound: the last act has a death scene that's so realistic it feels exploitative. And since this is told predominantly from the POV of a child, you can feel the vicarious trauma seeping in...and so goes the guileless nature of childhood. There's a startling dream sequence with a camera move that should rival the mirror shot from Contact but a simple shot of empty boots (and edits suggesting deconstructed stop-motion) is the most effective piece of filmmaking in the movie.
And on this list.
The Last Winter ★★★★
Would fit perfectly in a winter triple-feature with Pontypool and The Thing. Just like with Wendigo, Fessenden is pondering so much but this is less like an eloquent dissertation and more of a festered manifesto. He posits the idea that sour gas under the permafrost, being released from runaway climate change, has been making everyone insane in the 21st century...and it's going to get worse. Since oil and natural gasses are basically a compound substance of ancient animals and plants then it would stand to reason that they could be haunting us, even referring to oil drillers as graverobbers. "What if the very thing we were here to pull out of the ground were to rise willingly - confront us."
SPOILERS: Wisely, he doesn't conflate the spectral wildlife with the alien from The Thing but Capitalism is the true monster. The apocalyptic ending is a symptom of capitalism's gluttony. And Fessenden is so visually stingy here the way he deliberately avoids certain revelations because he knows what we want to see. That denial is infuriating on purpose as it further exacerbates the horror of the moment and makes us feel restrained. He relies on sound design and trusts us to infer based on what little he shows us: all we see are puddles...which means the ice is melting faster than we thought.
But...ugh...the cgi he does choose to let us see—willingly, for some reason(??)—is...rough. If it weren't for these unfortunate distractions, this would be much, much higher.
Habit ★★½
Sexy! Minimalist! Focused! Tactile! Lived-in! Alluring! Subtle! Disarming! ...Dramatic? Verbose? Contrived?? Predictable...?! This loses its way after a strong first half, shifting into something far more conventional and less bold than its set-up.
Full Moon High ★★★
I was originally going to watch It's Alive but I didn't want to commit to a whole trilogy, yet I didn't want an October without Larry Cohen (and I already watched The Ambulance over the summer), so this was my compromise: his pre-gentrified Teen Wolf. I appreciate how this is just a series of aggressively silly bits, ala Airplane!. Evidently a disaster behind the scenes (the editing is jagged and nonsensical, even by Cohen's standards) but nonetheless entertaining. Yeah, sometimes the quips got annoying but it wasn't long before something else won me back; Cohen's kitchen sink comedy. I also need to mention Demond Wilson whose too-brief appearance was one of the biggest highlights. Also just found out it came out the same year as An American Werewolf In London. Even the release date is funny.
The Slumber Party Massacre ★★★★½
Loved this! A peachy hangout movie with well-drawn characters who are shaded in as the night goes on. There are even characters you think you know who are given room to develop and surprise you; the bratty younger sister seems like she's going to be incredibly annoying but, honestly, she's the best part. Almost reaches the heights of Black Christmas with its funny, warm ensemble and vicious villain picking them off (almost). Great dialog, gnarly kills, stellar suspense and endearing characters who know how to survive: this is one of the most entertaining slashers I've ever seen.
Slumber Party Massacre II ★
Hated this! Tedious, repetitive, and populated with one-note energy vampires. If you think you know who a character is, that's exactly who they are until they die. A sloppy gatherum of recurring fake-outs that constantly kill and resurrect the momentum; a slog of cinematic alchemy. I'm glad it introduced me to Hell's Café and Let's Buzz but that all I got out of it. One of the most boring slashers I've ever seen. Everything this does, most of the Nightmare On Elm Street series has done far better. A damn shame that this follows the best character from the first movie but she's completely unrecognizable here. And I don't mean the casting, either.
V/H/S/Halloween ★½
Oh, this is bad:
• DIET PHANTASMA ★
The frame narratives of this series have rarely been good (the only one I like is the original) and this upholds the tradition. Repetitive, stagnant, and derivative of much better fare, like Larry Cohen's The Stuff. Anything with Diet in the title is guaranteed to be pisswater so at least this lives up to its name.
• COOCHIE COOCHIE COO zero stars
Most millennial humor sucks because there's an insecure follow-up to explain or acknowledge the joke. Sometimes acknowledgment is a joke unto itself with smirky "so, that just happened" overkill.
This is the horror version of that with some of the most didactic dialog I've ever heard; you are not allowed any mystery or intrigue and that's not even the worst of it. Formally there's an insane commitment to the very thing drives me up a fucking wall with bad found-footage: blatantly choreographed set-ups for the camera. The two actors hand it off and set it down so perfectly timed and framed that their 'controlled chaos' has so much control the chaos is erased entirely. The main monster Mommy felt like a non-threat, as did the manbaby; absolutely nothing about this works and it repeatedly pissed me off. There's also generative A.I. in it. So...one of the worst things I've seen this decade.
• UT SUPRA SIC INFRA ★½
I thought I didn't have much to say about this one, which is worse than actively being annoyed, but thankfully I'm remembering some things that made my eyes roll. It would be another middling segment but the tedious reenactment device doesn't do much beyond pad the runtime. And the woman in the cellphone footage is far more of a compelling screen presence than our eventual lead (also, the distracting opening 2.35:1 aspect ratio made zero sense and baffled the fuck out of me). The ending is predictable as this is one of those 'going-thru-the-motions' segments that has no surprises whatsoever even though it hinges on its ending...the ending that it telegraphs throughout. Dumb.
• FUN SIZE! ★★
This is another tradition for the v/h/s series: cool idea, bad execution. I appreciate how goofy and crass this, especially the two floating bowl gags, which made me chuckle. The creatures are neat and reminded me of Alex Pardee's artwork, I especially like that all they say is "FUN SIZE!" or "Oh, no!" There's also a funny, surprising gag involving an air vent that turns out to be a conveyor belt. There's an uncanny valley feel to it that I appreciate; it feels inexplicable. But none of that sustains. Just like the opening segment I abhor how overly rehearsed and artificial all the set-ups are, especially given the episodic structure— it doesn't help that the performances come up short, so there's ultimately no sale.
• KIDPRINT ★ (major spoilers)
As the title suggests, this is about kids in peril. And I mean real peril, not Goonies peril. Not since Second Honeymoon has this series had just a straightforward snuff film. Eschewing supernatural scares for brutal realism, there is some foul shit in this that had me squirming to the point I nearly turned it off. Of course, there's a catch: tragically out of touch that the danger to these predominantly white children is a large black man. Because of the optics, in a pointedly Stranger Danger framework, this comes across like racist propaganda or irresponsibly colorblind. Either way, Alex Ross Perry sabotages himself because if the killer wasn't the only black person in the entire segment this would be one of the strongest entries in the series.
• HOME HAUNT ★★★½
Thank Gourd for this segment, otherwise this movie would go straight to the toilet. Plays out like a brief glimpse into what happened at the end of Halloween III—which is something I've always wanted to see—swirled into the charming domesticity of The American Scream. I love the push-and-pull interplay between the moody son and his affable Dad, the eventual chaos soars because of their relationship; it has a wistfully taciturn sadness that gives itself over to capricious momentum once the shit hits the fan. There are some fun and fucked-up kills gathered as it snowballs toward one of the funniest and darkest endings to any segment. I've watched it twice and it's not just good for this abysmal movie but genuinely an entertaining Halloween short in its own right.
