RESIDENT EVIL is Unfortunate

  I didn't like Zach Cregger's new movie. Instead of just bitching about why, though, I'll pitch my ideal alternative.

SPOILERS

  Bryan should have been an addict, not an apprehensive father.

  Yes, Austin Abrams already* played an addict in Weapons but my second change is ditching him as this movie's lead altogether.

  Luke described Resident Evil as "After Hours meets The Thing" and, as much as Austin Abrams has a Griffin Dunne-ness to him, I think Justin Long would be a much better fit. Between Tusk and Jeepers Creepers he's shown that he's more than capable of playing someone who's in over his head...but still funny. I can also just picture him so vividly and hear certain line deliveries more attuned than how Abrams delivered them. Nothing against Abrams, I've loved him in every role, but here he just feels off. His performance comes across too self-aware, which works against the hapless idiot he's playing.

  *He's so good in Weapons [the best part, actually] that that's why I imagined Bryan as a recovering addict. But not wanting him to repeat himself is yet another reason why I don't think Abrams should be in this role.

  The screenplay doesn't even need to abandon Cregger's thematic ambitions about responsibility: The parcel he's entrusted with would be a constant source of temptation that he resists opening. And the goliath limb monster pursuing him throughout the movie would be his raging addiction constantly threatening to consume him.

  Then at the end when he's transforming, he's quite literally begging...for a drug, but he's ignored like a common junkie. There's the ironic tragedy that Cregger wanted, but without feeling dependent on another character we never see, unlike the nebulous Michelle who's always drowned out.

  But also, ya know, more practical effects, less glaring CGI hitting the eyes like sun rays first thing in the morning; this movie contributed to my inevitable crow's feet in a significant way.

  I was with Cregger, on his side, willing to defend his movie against the scourge of gamers upset that this wasn't a 'true adaptation'. I enjoyed about 75% of it (not without caveats but it charmed me enough to balance it out) but that ending is an impeachable offense. The whole movie wobbles between being too comedic and taking itself seriously but that ending is a full fucking tilt. Which is yet another reason I want Long in the role: he would balance the comedy out so well. The tonal shifts would level out immensely, especially that cartoony ending.

  It also looks worse than anything else and not even Justin fucking Long could save it from awful visual effects.

  There's a ton of CGI in Hope, a movie I was equally disappointed by, but not for its much-maligned effects. So much of it (especially in the first half) manages to feel like it exists in its environment. There's weight and spatial orientation to it. Same goes for the dinos in End Of Oak Street: they feel like they're interacting with sets, props, and actors. Blocking, lighting, and choreography were considered along with the effects. But here it just feels like an afterthought where Cregger and co. said "we'll fix it in post."

  For the most part it looks better than Weapons but there are moments where Cregger goes back to his bad habit of awful lighting, OR LACK THEREOF. In particular there's a dialog scene in a car, between Paul Walter Hauser and Austin Abrams, that's so dim and ugly but with the added headache of bad green screen. And it's a long scene, too. Thankfully there isn't too much of that but Cregger still clearly has a lot of maturing to do.