Sometimes it’s unfair to dismiss an actress as “bad.” Sometimes they’re misused - wrong director, wrong material, wrong genre - and other times they’re just born in the wrong era. Speaking of: this list isn’t about nostalgia... entirely. It’s a little bit about that, I’m not gonna lie, but I’m more interested in forward-thinking What If’s.
The game is simple, and I know you’ve played it before (we all have): Fantasy Movie Football.
I often find myself recasting movies in my head—after all, that’s where the best movies always reside—and every so often I stumble upon a particularly exciting revelation: Oh shit! So-and-so should be making horror movies instead! And oftentimes these so-and-so’s are could-be Scream Queens—actresses who I’d love to see drenched in blood, or running for their lives, or facing off against Clint Howard or Killer Santa Clause.
So, what defines a great Scream Queen? Well, nothing really. Not even acting chops. And that’s what's so fun about this. A list of this kind falls squarely between the subjectively objective and the objectively subjective. We can all play, and nobody can win.
Here are five (technically six) starlets who I’d love to see on the cover of Fangoria but never have. These ladies have yet to live up to their horror potential, and I’m here to right that wrong! ...in my dreams.
HONORABLE MENTION: Elle Fanning
She almost was one. The Neon Demon wore its giallo influences on its sleeve, but it still floated somewhere on the fringes of textbook horror. Let’s file it under “close, but not quite.” But close is good! If nothing else, it whetted the palette. I’d pay to see Elle top billed in Carrie, or Suspiria, or Repulsion, or even Ginger Snaps.
5. Odessa Young
You’re a chump if you still haven’t hopped on the Sam Levinson hype train. Go watch Assassination Nation and tell me I’m wrong that he should remake Scream. And if/when he does, our logical heroine will be this caustic Aussie.
Adjectives that come to mind: intense, intense, intense.
DREAM CASTING: Scream, The Blair Witch Project, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, The Silence of the Lambs
4. Jennifer Lawrence
I never disliked Jen, but at the same time she always looked awkward on screen. I couldn’t put my finger on it... until 2017. Mother! was, among many things, a big “aha!” for me. Like Neon Demon, it whetted the palette for something more explicitly horror. Ms. Lawrence (or is it Mrs. now?) can match whatever insanity you throw at her, so don’t leave her sitting on the bench just ‘cause she swings at everything when she’s up to bat.
Buuuuuuut it’s probably never gonna happen. Her narrowly-defined celeb persona is so solidified that you could already write her obituary, and that persona doesn’t leave room for much outside of David O. Russell movies and X-Men.
DREAM CASTING: Rosemary’s Baby, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Beyond, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Slither, The Blob
3. Amanda Seyfried
The third season of Twin Peaks taught me a lot—about time, about consciousness, about identity, about sweeping—but perhaps the most valuable lesson I took away from it was that Amanda Seyfried is a latent horror icon and nobody knows it ‘cept me. Forget that Final Girl bullshit, ‘cause she was scary enough as Becky Burnett to be the fucking killer!
Jennifer’s Body was DOA for two reasons: 1) it was simultaneously ahead of its time and behind the times as a quirky-teen-comedy-horror-pastiche, and 2) Megan Fox was the center of attention.
Seyfriend is so close already that it hurts.
DREAM CASTING: Child’s Play, Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Bug, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, The Shining
2. Lucy Boynton
Another “almost.” After Blackcoat’s Daughter, only Emma Roberts and the Mad Men girl continued down the horror route. Lucy, on the other hand, went the Bohemian Rhapsody route (yikes). Ever since then she’s become synonymous with innocuous romantic comedies and Netflix series you probably haven’t seen or heard of. She was in Sing Street, too, but that’s a whole other headache.
This is all very, very wrong.
Whatsername is the new Sabrina, and Emma is a card-carrying Scream Queen—she’s the only one of the three to get that far. She successfully pried the crown from the cold, dead hands of the slasher genre with the help of the ever-nostalgic Ryan Murphy. And that’s cool... kinda. I like Emma. She’s fun to look at. But Lucy is fun to look at and watch, ja feel?
DREAM CASTING: The Fog, Psycho, Bram Stoker's Dracula, When a Stranger Calls, The Haunting
1. Tiffany Helm
And finally, the pièce de résistance.
Unfortunately, this is another “never gonna happen,” but for more obvious reasons. This train has left the station altogether.
But if I had my way, she’d be in every goddamn Friday movie, including Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason. She’d be Jason’s (or Roy’s?) Laurie Strode. She would’ve grown old with the franchise and returned for a reboot. And her look would’ve become a pop horror staple (it still could if we all work together!).
Yeah, yeah, I know, she’s barely in Part V. She’s just a colorful extra body to add to the kill count...
...and how! A simple way to test if somebody has a strong screen presence (or scream presence, eh? Fuck you.) is to give them nothing more to do in a film besides dance. I could watch this New Wave Goth Babe dance for hours. And no, not just because of Pseudo Echo, though they don’t hurt.
DREAM CASTING: every Friday the 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Near Dark, Return of the Living Dead, The Craft
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