They'll Take It From Here: Dull Actors And Their Vital Replacements

 

  Sometimes if I'm watching a movie or a show and a particular actor is losing me, I'll actively fantasize about another actor in, not just that role, but every role in their career. Every actor on the left could easily replace the actors on the right. You'd elevate the roles, the media they're in, and I guarantee you there wouldn't be anything missing.

  I've been impressed by Carey Mulligan for 10 years now, from Never Let Me Go to Inside Llewyn Davis to Wildlife, she's proven herself as one of the best actors working today. Meanwhile Natalie Portman has either been unimpressive or actively bad over the course of her nearly 30-year career. She even brings great movies down, particularly Annihilation, Closer, and Jackie (the one that hurts the most). If Carey Mulligan had played the titular first lady instead?? I'd fucking love that movie because Portman is expected to carry it but it's breaking her back to do so. Mulligan wouldn't break a sweat.

  The next couple aren't exactly the same situation. Ford has given some good performances, no doubt (Blade Runner 2049, The Conversation). I just don't think he's given performances that have as much personality as his better counterpart, Don Johnson. They're the same kind of aesthetic but Johnson is all-around Harrison Ford+. He's more handsome, more charismatic, more playful, less sneering, and he's got that great southern twang just to make things jiggle; I like jiggle. Ford is a little too stony and smarmy for me and he's coasted by on 'lovable asshole' when he's more on the asshole side of the Venn Diagram. I've never loved the Indiana Jones movies but you throw Johnson in there and he'd charm it up. The same goes for Han Solo; Johnson would bring his southern swagger to a role that was clearly written with western influence; Ford ain't no cowboy. And, as of late, Johnson's had a renaissance where he's given some of the best performances of his career, namely Brawl In Cell Block 99 where he holds the 2 1/2 hour movie hostage. He only steals 5 minutes of screentime but it's a fucking daring heist of acting magnetism. Meanwhile Ford is mumbling through Star Wars and that CGI Dog movie. There's no contest.

  Try as I might, and I have, I can't stand Tina Fey. She's never made me laugh because I've never believed what she was doing. There's always this winky self-awareness that punches through her performances. I'll admit she's a good writer, I've enjoyed what I've seen of her SNL sketches and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, but she's best behind the camera. To speak in a broad abstraction: I don't know if she's actively winking or if it's just some involuntary tic but whatever it is, she's always been unconvincing. Even in Soul, where it's just her voice...she just wasn't immersive. But Julia Louis-Dreyfus? She's one of the best comic actors, ever, because she always plays everything perfectly straight. From Elaine Benes to Maggie Lizer she knows that comedy doesn't work when you lean into it; the audience has to buy that you don't find yourself silly. Dreyfus would commit to every bit instead of, literally, acting above it.