Some Kids Horror Movies That Weren't

 So I guess horror is kinda my “thing” on this site. That was never the plan. I have just as many opinions of cop dramas or game shows, but my suspicion is who gives a fuck. But everyone loves horror!

It’s fitting in a way, though, that I would find myself cycling back to this topic because that’s exactly how I spent my formative years: cycling back to the horror aisle. Not to rent anything, just to look at the movies’ VHS/DVD covers, which is all I was permitted to do. I would read the synopsis, look at the pictures, and fill in the gaps on my own. Sorta like fanfiction when you’re only a fan of the cover art. I got very good at imagining better movies, because by the time I hit my teens I finally got the chance to watch everything I’d been fantasizing about and practically all of it sucked. Consequently, as an adolescent, my only real criteria for ‘good horror’ was: does it deliver on the brutality promised by the poster/marketing (without too much character bullshit)? Some did (High Tension, the Hills Have Eyes remake, 28 Days Later) but most didn’t (and don’t). I didn’t like surprises, unless the surprise was more gore. But what got lost in all the thrill-seeking was an appreciation for ‘kids horror,’ those childhood appetizers. Now, in my adulthood, I find myself unconsciously on the lookout for great horror movies aimed at younger audiences. The standards of quality are substantially lower for the tikes, and not for no good reason neither, which is why I started to look elsewhere (kinda): R-rated (or hard PG-13) horror movies that shouldn’t’ve been. Here are some suggested titles.

Return of the Living Dead Part II - The closest thing we’ll ever get to a screen adaptation of Zombies Ate My Neighbors, which is a shame because it’s not as good as it would’ve been if it were a kids movie. It’s one of the earliest horror movies I can remember seeing (I saw it before Fright Night and am still of the opinion that the poster design better suits this one). Looking at it now, it’s pretty dumb, but as a young lad (7 or 8 maybe?) it hit all the right notes. It was spooky and funny by the standards of a third grader - that talking zombie head killed me.

Annabelle Comes Home - I don’t begrudge audiences their reactions to this one - it wasn’t marketed properly (besides, who isn’t just fucking done with these movies at this point?). They wanted something self-serious like the original and like the other sequels pretended to be. Instead, what they got was a self-contained, John Hughes-ian haunted house ride (that employs more practical FX and fewer jump scares than the original). I can only imagine how enamored I would’ve been with the Ferryman if I’d seen this at the right age - I’m pretty enamored with the whole thing as it is.

Krampus - Considering its PG-13 rating, some might say it’s already aimed at a younger audience, but personally I think it’s a lil too mean spirited for kids. Make the humor more PG but keep the horror PG-13. It’s got everything that makes Gremlins a staple of the holiday, but with superior VFX, creature designs, atmosphere, and, y’know, it’s actually scary (by the standards of a child, really fucking scary). With just a few touch-ups it could easily be an A+.

Sleepy Hollow - I’ve never agreed with gore being a firm boundary for an R-rating. Nudity/sexual content I can understand, or even profanity, but there’s an argument to be made that gore is all about context and execution, speaking largely from personal experience. Brutal violence is one thing, but there’s none of that in this movie, just lotsa dark red goop. I can tell you that, as a child, I never thought of this movie as a “grown up” horror movie. Depp’s lighthearted performance, the simpleminded plot, the broadly-stroked atmosphere -- it felt to me, even at that age, like a far cry from “adult” horror like Silence of the Lambs or Candyman. The gratuitous splatterfest only heightened the already outlandish Halloween-y shenanigans.  

Digging Up the Marrow - It’s kind of a tough sell. I like it just fine as it is - hell, I love it. But I can just as easily imagine these colorful monsters popping up in some The Gate-esque childrens adventure, and part of me wonders if that wouldn’t be preferable. On the one hand, you could dispense with the found-footage format, which is kinda tired even in this instance, and on the other, who wouldn’t love to see a band of Goonies butting heads with Ray Wise? Besides, as much as I dig the picture, looking at it from an adult perspective, the creature designs do ride the line between “scary” and “scary?” 

Spawn - It can only go one of two ways: either lean into the camp (which this sorta does), or shoot for a dead-serious hard-R. There’s no wiggle room for a hard PG-13 with this subject matter. The end result is exactly what this is: too dark for lil kids and too stupid for everyone else. But, like Krampus, it’s easy to imagine hitting that sweet spot with just a handful of tweaks. Incidentally, Shazam! gives us kind of a preview of what this movie could look like if done right.

Pet Sematary 2 - Another Return Part II situation: it’s a bit much (or not enough?) for us cynical adults, but it possesses all the ADHD qualities needed to hold the attention of a kid whose diet consists of Courage the Cowardly Dog and Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.